I’ve never quite got over this feeling of anticipation ahead of a new baby.
This contrasting emotion of devastation at their lot in life, their lack of choice, their lack of control; my overwhelming delight at our meeting.
I often wonder how I’ll ever ensure that each child grows knowing that I sat like a crazy person counting down the seconds before I met them, I ponder how to tell them just how anticipated and wanted they are.
I grapple with the sheer despair that this poor mother must be feeling, desperate to help, helpless to step into her world.
And so as I sit alongside this car seat, waiting for that final call, I thought I’d leave a few thoughts for you, Precious boy, as I prepare for our meeting.
I haven’t met you, but I love you with an all consuming fiery love already. I’ll do those stupid things mamas do, to protect you.
I love your mamma, although I’ll never be allowed to meet her. I won’t stop thinking about her. I won’t let time go by in our home where we don’t honour her.
I’ve been preparing for your arrival since the second I knew of your existence. Sure, I didn’t quite get 9 months, but each tiny little piece of clothing that will adorn your precious body, has been carefully picked out just for you and your crib awaits tucked just next to my bed.
I may not be yours forever, but I hope you know I’ll love you like I am. Love knows know time or bounds of days.
You are so much more than the pile of paper that will attempt to dictate the first part of your life. When you look back on this time one day, know that the papers tell but a tiny portion of your story and nothing close to your worth.
We’ll cherish each second you’re with us and do everything we can to prepare you for your next step. Know we’ll be here as long or short as you need us, no more, no less.
I cannot wait to meet you sweet chap, you are so wanted and loved. I sit imagining each of your tiny fingers and each of your tiny toes and just how your little head will make me feel like nothing else in this world can. I can wait to snuggle your little body tightly against mine and try and rock some of the sad away. I’m under no illusion that my tight embrace will feel anywhere close to the warm cocoon you’ve had for the last nine months and I promise to keep this in mind.
We’re going to meet soon. In a crash of worlds that you didn’t ask for. I’ll do my best to be the best ‘second’ you can have. You are so worthy of more.
(Written by Tiffini Hein)